Billy was an old bootlegger who thought it might be time 
To just straighten up his act a notch or two. 
But before this big decision, he drew a thought sublime,
"I guess I'll make me up just one more brew!" 

So he figured and he measured, 
and prepared the batch just so, 
Then he set it all in motion at his still. 
And he waited and he wondered 
 just how his life would go 
When he couldn't sit around 
 and drink his fill! 

Well, the product tasted perfect, and he sampled it again, 
And again, he tested with his testing mugs. 
He was feelin' kind of silly, wearin' just the widest grin, 
As he caught the sparkling liquid in his jugs. 

He had stomped back to his cabin 
just a little before dark, 
And had stashed his treasure 
in a cupboard there, 
When he heard the shots that signaled, 
"Revenuer 'bout to park," 
And cold terror crept right up 
to his white hair! 

The signal had meant,  "Hurry, you have very little time!" 
And he knew he had to hide the proof real quick! 
So he dropped them in the outhouse, 
and they broke upon the slime, 
And the thought of wasted lightenin' made him sick! 

Sure enough, the Revenuer feller 
knocked upon his door, 
And he searched and sniffed 
and checked Ole' Billy out. 
He could not believe Ole' Billy didn't have the goods in store! 
He was brisk and very smart without a doubt! 

Now the Revenuer lingered, 
and he asked to use the outhouse, 
And Ole' Billy thought that this 
 must be a joke. 
But the man was partly human, 
even though he was a louse, 
So Ole' Billy just suggested, 
Please don't smoke." 

or Billy knew how volatile the fumes would be by now, 
From the liquor as it spread below the seat. 
But the man lit up a cigarette, to smoke it anyhow. 
The match dropped through the boards beneath his feet. 

Lo, the outhouse blew to pieces. 
It exploded like a bomb! 
And Ole' Billy chuckled deep 
within his beard. 
And when the dust had settled, 
there was nothing there but calm, 
And the seated man was gone, 
just as he feared! 

The explosion lit the night sky for miles and miles around, 
Before darkness came a creepin' on the scene. 
And the nosy Revenuer nevermore again was found, 
But Ole' Billy quit the business, square and clean. 

And the devil down in Hades 
heard a knockin' on the door, 
o he went and let the Revenuer in. 
And the man was sorely puzzled 
as he settled up his score. 
Said, "You'll never guess how I found out that 
smokin' is a sin!" 

Copyright 1997 Nona Kelley Carver